Ohio Girl

Have you ever seen a rabbit yawn? Not a cartoon rabbit or a person stuffed into a furry costume at Easter, but a REAL rabbit? My sister has a large white one that lives among the goats and chickens. He is blind (or is it she?) and has already surpassed her average life expectancy. When it is hot the rabbit has her own fan. She stretches out in front of it with her back legs spread out obscenely. I always expect by her posture that she will be holding a beer.

Last night as the herd was being sung to sleep by the sound of sweet grain poured into their buckets, the rabbit stretched. She stretched out her front legs just like Sophie the dog does after a nap. She stretched and stretched and then opened her mouth for a long, wide yawn with her big, front, rabbit teeth--which ARE a bit cartoonish. And then I swear she scratched her ass.

This was a headline on yahoo news this morning. I saw it briefly while making my way to e-mail. I have seen Suze Orman. I have seen her helmet-hair and runaway-bride, googly eyes and not given her a second thought. To each their own. But this headline got under my skin. It got big and itchy and red like those zits I get once a month that can’t be popped; that have to be left to deflate on their own, over time.

What a compelling question from someone who makes money, and from all appearances quite enough of it, by talking to other people about theirs’. Having, or not having money can affect your outlook on life? No shit.

I wonder if she conducted interviews with people like my Grandpa. A man who worked all of his life, provided for his family, but has no pension. Who has to borrow money—a thing that makes the thick hair on his arms stand on end—for his heart medication. Does not having money affect HIS outlook on life? Do tell, Suze.

I once met with a financial planner—at the behest of a friend worried about my looming debt. She (the planner) was spare in everyway—trim figure, short, tidy hair, well-tailored, and smart clothing. She was a walking model of the beneficent frugality she was putting on the market. I liked her. She made a ton of sense. All of her advice about stocks and IRAs seemed sublimely logical. Only a fool wouldn’t take advantage of such opportunities! Or, someone with no money. It is hard to take a little out of the $5,000 reserve and move it into stocks when, well, you have no reserve. What do you do when every penny pays for rent, utilities, and the abominable student loans (okay, and NASCAR tickets)?

“Oh, but you must always have $5,000 in reserve. What about emergencies?” she asked.

“Isn’t that what credit cards are for?” I responded, smiling with all my teeth. “For car repairs and dog surgeries?”

Clearly, I was beyond redemption.

I, and a bunch of other people I know, launched into the adult world in the negative—as if accounting parentheses are permanently attached to our heads. We decided to get educations, even though our parents could not afford to pay, and now WE are paying. (And some of us—influenced by silly illusions about helping others--decided on careers like social work which means we will ALWAYS be paying.) That’s life. We don’t have things so bad. But we sure have different outlooks than our friends who started at zero. Yeah, things were tough after college, but they, like us, worked hard, bought a used, Geo Metro back in the day, and are making headway on their first mortgages. Some of them even have the 5k reserve!

We of the educational-debtor’s-caste have VERY different outlooks than our friends who started in the positive. Their parents paid for their education AND their first car AND their first house AND their weddings and the list goes on. We like those friends, because sometimes they buy us dinner, but we know their outlook will not include decisions about post-dating the check to the electric company so you can give some cash to the guy who calls about your credit card bill every night. (Except of course for the ones on coke, they will eventually bond with us regarding such affairs.)

All of this whining and the fact of the matter is that my Grandpa WILL get his heart medication. I will live through another financial crisis (and go to more races). All of my pals in the red, the black, and in the green, we will continue to enjoy similar interests and each other. Our outlooks are all good.

If Suze Orman wants to make her evaluation of financial outlooks meatier, she might spend some time with Katrina refugees—who are starting over after losing everything after not having anything in the first place. Or, with a host of other folks who might have something to say about how having money, or not, affects their life outlooks.