June 22, 2006

Busch Race Kentucky: Stream of Conscious-Like

This is a classic field. Classic pasture. Look at the hillbillies playing corn hole. What the hell is corn hole? You throw a sack in a hole. Of course it gets a lot harder with each beer.

 

This is a big ass hill. Only halfway up. Damnit! My left boob just popped out of my bra. Effin wall of humidity pushing my big ass back down. Finally here. Look, there’s beer.

 

Ah, the sound of those engines. I love the way they sound going around the track. Is that Morgan Shepherd? Yes, the ‘Racing with Jesus’ car. We all cheer for him cause he is old. And funny. Jesus built his hotrod!

 

Michel Jourdain. Michel. Meeeshell. I like the way that sounds. I am going to cheer for him cause I like to say Meeeshell dramatically. We joke that the Sheriff of our county might arrest him for being a suspected illegal. Sucks to be Mexican.

 

These are the best seats I have ever had. Worth the hundred steps to the tower. I feel like I might fall off though. It is so steep. How did the Mayans walk around on those temple steps in Peten?

 

Is that a giant, dancing Oreo? Yes. And it has a handler. Must have picture.

 

Hah! They are booing the governor of Kentucky. Sucks to be a Republican governor facing criminal charges. Oooh, is that a giant pretzel?

 

Why is there water squirting on my thigh? This bidet is malfunctioning. What a minute, do they have bidets in Kentucky? Son-of-a-bitch, there is toilet water on me! Someone stop the toilet water!

 

Why is everyone cheering? Apache helicopters. Apache helicopters doing tricks. This is the flyover. “These are YOUR Flying Tigers.” MINE. They are cool, but I bet Iraqi children don’t get as excited when they roar over head. Uh-oh, did I say that out loud? Crap.

 

Start your engines boys. Oh yeah, start ‘em real good. Race that car hard Michel! 

 

First lap. The cars roar by.  Love the smell. If we were closer there would be rubber raining down on us. Is it weird that I feel all atwitter in my special places?

 

Caution. There goes Shepherd. I guess Jesus should keep his day job. Did I say that out loud? Oh crap.

 

Caution.

 

Caution. Oooh. That looks like a bad wreck. Red flag. Yikes. That guy can’t get out of his car. Should I feel weird enjoying a spectacle where people might die? How Roman Coliseum is that? Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Stupid NPR always analyzing crap. It’s fun. THEY race cause its fun. Oooh look, the beer guy.

 

I love night races! Why have I never been to a night race? The lights are so pretty.

 

Biffle. Biffle. Bifffffffffuuuuuuuuuullllllll.

 

Okay Yeley. Yeley’s not bad. J.J. Joe Gibbs. I can get with that. Who is the guy in second place?

#84. Not in my program. Rob noticed him in qualifying. No sponsor. That’s cool. A new guy with no sponsor in second.

 

New guy with no sponsor is looking pretty racey. Anyone know who the new guy is? Look at everyone flipping through the program. Ask the guy with the scanner. No one knows.

 

New guy with no sponsor took the lead! I love new guy with no sponsor. Hold on. Hold on. Don’t mess up the restart! New guy, hold it steady! Hit your marks, new guy! Hit your marks!

 

New guy won!!!! How cool is that? Nice to see a car wins without corporate logos everywhere. Of course, he will have them by next week. Still don’t know new guy’s name. David something? The announcer says David something is crying tears of joy. Aw. That’s nice.

 

Ooohh, look, fireworks.

 

Pretty.

Posted by Ohio Girl at 15:15:29 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |

June 01, 2006

Road Trip to Maine: A Compatibility Quiz

1-The best music to listen to on a long drive is:
        a-the new Dixie Chicks CD
        b-a music mix that brings together Boston, Debbie Boone, and Deelite
        c-the new Sara Evans song over and over again at high volume
        d-all of the above
 
2-When a caterpillar mistakenly gets into the car after your picnic lunch do you:
        a-point and scream
        b-pull to the side of the highway and release it into the “wild”    
        c-throw it out the window at 75 mph
        d-both a & c
 
3-When you realize you have accidentally smashed a brother caterpillar with your big ass do you:
        a-lament the forces of evil at work in your big ass
        b-chalk it up to the “circle of life”
        c-silently obsess about having caterpillar innards on your clothing for the rest of the drive
        d-all of the above
 
4-When you see a man sitting in a parked car watching you while you eat your picnic lunch do you:
        a-wave and offer him a bagel sandwich
        b-really hope you are not going to discover that he is masturbating
        c-pass his car after your picnic lunch only to find him masturbating
        d-both b & c
 
5-When you see an unaccompanied, malnourished, barefoot, and bleeding 8 year old on the docks while waiting for your whale-watching tour do you:
        a-point at him while saying, “Sucks to be you.”
        b-make fun of his accent
        c-assess the situation and get appropriate assistance
        d-remark to the fellow tourists trying to help him, “He’s just a street kid” and then cut in line for the boat
 
6-When your fellow tourist says “He’s just a street kid” while you are trying to help an unaccompanied, malnourished, barefoot, and bleeding 8 year old do you:
        a-make fun of her for the entire 6 hour boat trip
        b-feel sorry for her
        c-lament the apathy & fear that paralyzes someone from helping a child in need
        d-all of the above
 
7-When you see a whale and dozens of seals doing their thing out in the ocean do you:
        a-call out “Aren’t you a beautiful baby?”
        b-take pictures like crazy
        c-feel really grateful to the universe
        d-all of the above
 
8-When you visit a nice, water front restaurant do you:
        a-order lobster & enjoy eating it while saying, “Sorry little guy” inside your head           
        b-sneak back to the kitchen and liberate the lobsters
        c-order a decadent dessert to help cope with the lobster thing and tell your dinner companion, “Don’t you judge me”
        d-both a & c
 
9-When you watch the Coca Cola 600 that your sister-in-law taped for you while you were on your road trip and learn that Tony Stewart fractured part of his shoulder blade do you:
        a-shout, “How to do like that Mama’s boy” at the television
        b-debate the effectiveness of NASCAR safety measures, because it certainly could have been worse
        c-have a startlingly vivid fantasy about making him feel all better
        d-feel pissed off that it wasn’t Johnson
 
Answers: 1-d; 2-b; 3-d; 4-d; 5-c; 6-d; 7-d; 8-d; 9-c
Scoring: 7-9 correct responses-Pack the car. We are perfect for a road trip adventure.
            4-6 correct responses-Maybe we could meet up somewhere. Have dinner.
            0-3 correct responses-Send a postcard. I’ll do the same.
Posted by Ohio Girl at 04:00:00 | Permanent Link | Comments (4) |